atoast2toast.com

impatient, obnoxious, petty, argumentative, and obsessed over meaningless details

Monthly Archives: February 2011

what’s good for o’gara

Updated with RWC 2011 photo:

Ronan has brought a lot of traffic to this blog but I don’t really write much about him these days. I have noticed that on days ROG does anything there is an increase in the amount of vitriol in the search machine (google). People really seemed to be upset with him yesterday and today. Maybe it was to do with the way he was described by Brent Pope as arrogant for trying to set the ball down under the posts. Maybe it is because he is a celebrity judge in the Rose of Tralee:

do not touch the watch

RUGBY STAR RONAN O’Gara has said that he feels “honoured” to be on the judging panel of this year’s Rose of Tralee. The Ireland and Munster player says that, training permitting, he will be able to fit in the August pageant before the rugby World Cup in New Zealand the following month. O’Gara confessed to Bairbre Power in the Irish Independent that he is “glued to the Rose of Tralee every year” and had once “jumped in over the railings” and gatecrashed the festival with a few school friends.

a dose of the cowels

Tanya sent me a nice email asking that I would promote this video:

mong the merciless

Ming has been elected to the Dail. He used to appear on TV show ‘dont feed the gondolas’ promoting his pro-cannabis policies looking like this:

The colourful and controversial county councillor, best known for his long-running campaign to legalise cannabis. He’s switching burning weed to burning the bondholders.

yahoo

portrait of a martin as a young hitler

Follow up to ein reich ein volk ein martin. Election comparisons to Nazis are everywhere as in this sketch from TV3. Micky M is portrayed as a priest and then as Hitler (image is linked to youtube video):

At around 25:00 in Tuesdays eleventh hour Eddie Hobbs described Micheal Martin as being “like Goring at Nuremberg, all style no substance”. Read more of this post

election apathy

All the talk lately is of politics and the election. I am apathetic because I know that regardless of which of the leading parties are elected there will be pay cuts and dozens more public sector ‘wildcat’ strikes and random work stoppages during the next election term, exactly what a malfunctioning system needs.

newswhip.ie has something about this funny story which made me laugh the other day:

Gerry Adams stringently denied ever being a member of the Irish Farmers Association, in the hopes of adding some levity to his campaigning.

Adams made the comment while canvassing with Sinn Fein candidates in Cork yesterday.

“I made it very, very clear that I am not and was not a member of the IFA (Irish Farmers Association) — so let’s put that to one side,”

The country is in a bizarre condition with plenty of new luxury cars on the road and others facing savage cuts to their income to pay for the Celtic Tiger. Some people did not benefit from it but someone on BBC’s panorama last night has a 2000 euro a month mortgage for an apartment in Turkey. Someone made a cam job of the show here.

I am sure some other weird stuff will happen as the Irish have carried out some schizophrenic voting in the last 10 years. Lisbon was rejected and then passed and neutrality was the clincher they say. Fianna Fail were voted back to power in 2007 by people who were afraid that it was all coming to an end. In reality people failed to notice in that it had ended, maybe sometime near the time AIB sold and leased back their building in 2005?

Speaking of Turkey, Irish people thought it was a good idea to send Dustin to Europe to make a laughing stock of us.

Read more of this post

HELLO HELLO

I came across an unflattering photo of Bono last week. He is straightening his bits on the beach and I thought he looked a lot like Robin Williams:

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I found out there are thousands of others who also think the same on totallylookslike.com.

I cannot decide who I hate more between those two. It is probably Bono because I hear his shit on the radio and it is a bit more difficult to innocently stumble across Mrs Doubtfire or Good Morning Vietnam or Good Will Hunting in the car on the way to work.

I have still not recovered from hearing U2′s Christmas song in December (or for that matter that other song ‘you’ve got to get yourself together’ in 2000). Anyway I heard ‘Vertigo’ a few days ago and I remembered seeing an advertising hoarding for the album ‘How to dismantle an atomic bomb’ in 2004. I was shocked at how completely shit an idea it seemed. It is also a complete lie because it does not contain any instructions for disarming an atomic bomb anywhere in the sleeve. Similarly the lyrics are a disappointment for would be bomb defusers but you will find such gems as:

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Read more of this post

witch hunt riding through

A friend recently described the search for blame in Ireland as a witch hunt. I would describe election time as this too. I am sick of hearing peoples ideas and the only thing that sounds interesting to me is to burn bond holders. I think we should torture them too and if people want to eat them then fair enough. Most of the bond holders are from Germany so I am sure they would not mind.

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self-cannibalism

In Hannibal Rising Lecter and Ray Liotta eats Liotta's Brain with a nice Chianti

I am so proud to come from a country where this happens:

A MAN viciously assaulted with a hammer, knife and iron bars and forced to eat part of his own ear is in fear for his life.

Brendan Higginbotham, from the Curragh Camp in Kildare, was the victim of the brutal Valentine’s Day assault.

He told shocked paramedics how a gang cut off his ear and forced him to eat it but has refused to lodge a complaint with gardai.

Newbridge gardai are today trying to trace the whereabouts of Mr Higginbotham (21) to quiz him about the savage attack.

The horrifying assault took place at 12.40am on Monday after a gang dragged him down a lane near Eyre Street in Newbridge and began their attack.

Writing on his Facebook page, Mr Higginbotham described the extent of his injuries.

He said that he has been in hospital after getting his ears cut off and knee-capped, he also received 30 stitches in his head and face.

“I’m in bits very sore, have to say I’m scared for my f**king poxy life, heads wrecked over this crap,” he wrote.

He told a friend that the attack was completely unprovoked.

eveningheradldddd.ie

It is that bit wierder than the guy whose finger got cut off as he climbed over a gate but later claimed he had been attacked and someone bit it off.

crap

I think the only thing I miss from my old job is the toilet (the food was nice but if you are so depressed that you cannot eat then that benefit is nullified). The handicap toilet was an oasis where you could go to play tetris on your phone. Some people who also left that place at the same time as me have to clean the toilets in their new place of work … I joked with a friend last night about it. He wondered if he could get past reception and drop one in their toilet. I said it would be so much worse if they were waiting to do the cleaning as you exited the stall. He added it would be worse again if you had missed the bowl.

This was sent to me a long time ago and is still a classic:

The Official Survival Guide to Taking A Dump at Work

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

CRACK WHORE
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don’t forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

poopreport.com

you would know all about it

those Shielas are bloody rough eh

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